I'm on a roll with the posts this month. And no, it's not because I enjoy this with all my heart. It's because there is a grade contingent on my compulsive internet usage. And you thought you were special.
We here at TWSSC have a great fondness for alcohol. Most of our waking hours are dedicated to learning it's ways. So when I saw this, I nearly wept with joy. Who knew so much could be gained by watching anything posted on YouTube? (See the magic around :55!)
I discovered something this past summer that changed my life forever. Is that hokey? Sure. Brilliant? Yes. But I deserve some sort of international award for figuring this shit out.
It was Sunday night and the weekend had gone by far too quickly, as usual. However, I realized that I didn’t have the same Sunday anxiety that I normally experience. I tried to piece together why this weekend felt different. I hadn’t done anything spectacularly exciting. And the looming work week wasn’t going to be better than any other. I hadn’t won the lottery or had a massage, but something about how I spent my weekend had calmed my weekly dread that Monday was just hours away.
After I bit more reflection, I realized I had made a momentous discovery, the likes of which should be published and credited to me in every scholarly journal on the planet. I discovered the formula for a truly fulfilling and satisfying weekend. Then I tested it and wrote it down to share, oh so generously, with you lucky bastards.
Step One: Drink. That’s right, ladies and gentleman, the first and most commonly practiced activity that leads to a fulfilling weekend is getting fucked up. Plain and simple. I’m not advocating two straight days of drunken shenanigans because then you miss out on the other necessary components, but at least one night of blurry, beer soaked fun is imperative for a person to let off a little steam and take a brief mental vacation from reality. If I spend my entire weekend avoiding the juice, come Monday at lunchtime, all I can think about is how badly I need a cocktail. There’s a restlessness brought on by days and days of working and it must be put to rest, doused in alcohol and left to pass out. And if you can craft it so you are drunkity-drunk-drunk but not chillin on the bathroom floor with your new friend Toilet the next morning, you are on your way to an awesome weekend.
Step Two: Do Nothing. A crucial component of a satisfying weekend is the part where you do nothing. This cannot be overlooked. In fact, write it down. In order to feel truly relaxed and rejuvenated, ready to face another week of jerkoffs riding you, you must spend a chunk of time doing whatever you damn well please. I recommended a minimum of two hours, if possible. However, if you are really good at being anti-social, sometimes you can plan yourself a whole entire day of lazing around the house. Time spent doing nothing comes quite naturally if you participated a little too over zealously in step #1 and your hangover forces you to spend some quality time with your couch (I find it to be more enjoyable, though, if I am not fighting waves of vomit). There is something extremely satiating about answering to no person and no schedule. Don’t even look at the clock. Just let it ride.
{Note: Occasionally, it can get a little boring if the most interesting thing on tv is a VH1 marathon of some sort. So instead, turn on the tunes, sit and listen to an album straight through (I suggest Wilco "Sky Blue Sky" for instance, or Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros "Up from Below" for something a little peppier). A little music therapy can go a long way.}
Step Three: Repent. The final element to a perfect weekend is the time you spend making up for all the lazy, self indulgent activities you’ve been engaging in. More specifically, it’s accomplishing whatever small or large personal or domestic business you need to take care of but just can’t bring yourself to face during the week. I call it business because it’s grown up stuff. For me, that usually means cleaning, washing clothes and cooking. If I over-caffeinate enough, I can wake up, clean the bathroom, shop and cook for the week, and do a load of laundry, all before my Sunday night tv starts! The bottom line is that no one wants to do this shit. Ever. But if you have achieved steps #1 and #2, the guilt from being an alcoholic slug will motivate you to get all those chores done and give you something to feel successful about. Generally, it also puts you a step ahead for the coming week, which makes Monday that much easier.
There it is, friends. Incorporate these things into your weekend and you can watch the Sunday Surlies melt away.
I've been dreading this post because it is mostly depressing. But since I have absolutely nothing else to do at the moment and this has been staring me in the face for a week, here it goes.
My sister's puppy, BiggieSmalls, passed away last Friday. Before they even got to meet him.
They bought Biggie from a well-reputed-among-Marines breeder in Missouri, whose son is also a Marine and is stationed in 29 Palms, which is near where Meredith & Tony live. The breeder and her husband were driving across the country with all the puppies, dropping them off at their new homes, when in New Mexico they let them out at a park to play. Biggie, being adventurous, got into something and began to choke; they were able to clear his airway and thought everything was fine. The next morning, however, he was vomiting and clearly very ill, so they took him to an emergency vet. About three miles from the vet their car broke down (can you believe that?). Biggie was in such distress by this time that the breeder's husband started running with him, but they just couldn't make it in time. Biggie died.
*****
Naturally, Meredith and Tony were pretty distraught after losing the puppy they'd never met but had come to love through photos and updates since he was a week old. They'd already prepared for this independent, outgoing little guy.
Another couple in Hawaii who'd put a deposit down on a female puppy, Biggie's sister, learned what had happened to Meredith and Tony's pup. They already have a bulldog from this breeder and offered to give up their puppy and wait for another litter to get a second dog.
Meredith and Tony thought long and hard about whether they would be able to accept this new dog who was so different in every way from the dog they had been ready to adopt. First, she was female, which would mean they would HAVE to get her fixed pretty much right away, something they'd planned to put off with Biggie until they decided whether to stud him out. This was a financial burden they hadn't planned on. Then there was the personality differences; the breeder told them that this girl was shy and cuddly, whereas Biggie had been, well, the complete opposite. But after sleeping on it, they decided that this must be the puppy they were meant to have, even if they were sad about losing Biggie.
They got her on Monday. Her name is Jan Levinson-Gould (Jan for short) and they are already in love.
Last weekend I was on a boat for six hours straight. In the hot, hot sun. Sporting six applications of SPF-whatever-was-on-board. SIX applications I tell you! And still I have the most terrible sunburn.
Not only do I have said terrible sunburn, but you can see exactly where the sun was in the sky based on the burn patterns across my body. My left half is significantly more lobsteresque than my right. The inner part of my right leg is crimson, while it is the outer part of my left leg that is burned. I have (gasp! the horror! the shame!) bright white sunglass lines blaring from each temple and across the bridge of my nose. My shoulders got the worst of it, though. Oh, how deep the red of my shoulders.
Sleeping is a treat I'm not even sure I can describe, but I'm beginning to think a Ph.D. in yoga would have been helpful in this situation. After several nights of pretending I'm a contortionist I have found that it doesn't hurt so much if my lower half rests on the side of my [relatively unscathed] right leg, while the top half of my body stays flat, my head slightly elevated so as to reduce the amount of touching between shoulders and pillows. Throw a blanket into the mix, though, and everything is just fucked.
Gentlemen: Here is yet another way in which you are genetically blessed while we ladies are built to suffer: boobs. For when one possesses boobs, it is mandated that one must don a bra if one's boobs are any sort of large or bouncy (mine are both) before going out in public. And every time I carefully, painstakingly, pull brastraps onto my shoulders I let out a yelp that makes my dog flee in terror and the cats scurry under the bed. It HURTS.
But NOW - five days post-sun exposure - the peeling has begun. And the itching. It is...severe. My skin is...patchy. In between treatments of cooling and delicious aloe vera after my shower in the morning and before bed at night, I've been slathering on Aloe Vera After Sun Lotion which is wonderfully moisturizing (despite the label blathering on about how it's actually to "prevent and protect from the drying effects of wind and cold weather" (heh? then why do you call it 'After Sun Lotion' and not 'After Wind and Cold Weather Lotion'?! Get it together, Walgreen's label peeps!)).
I wish I hadn't left my camera on the boat in Minnesota, for the photos would be too amazing to not show you all. Really, you would be astounded. But alas, I have no pictures to share. I can only leave you with the promise that I am RED and BURNED and HURTY and PEELING. And a big, fat reminder to all my fellow fair-skinned folk to make SPF 4 Frillion your new BFF and stay your asses in the shade. Learn from my mistakes!
A: This changes, um, quite a lot. I'll admit to getting REALLY OVEREXCITED to hear "Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas recently.
M: This week it is "Can't Keep No Good Boy Down" by Parlor Mob. Thanks, Erin.
E: Changes all the time! Right now, can't get enough of "my mirror speaks" death cab for cutie; "shampoo" elvis perkins
TV show:
A: Oh man. I watch too much TV for this question. Currently addicted to True Blood, Weeds, Friends, Sex & the City, and The West Wing (not necessarily in that order). In the fall this rotation will change slightly; Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice & House will replace True Blood and Weeds. I cannot believe I just admitted all that. Gah.
M: Currently, Weeds yo.
E: gah!! again, changes! "Weeds"; "Flight of the Conchords"; "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia", etc
Movie:
A: Eh. No faves, just many many loves.
M: Pulp Fiction stands I guess.
E: fuuuuuuuuck. Probably "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"
Store:
A: Tarrrrget. Also Old Navy.
M: H&M for clothes
E: H&M, mostly. though it's sucked for a good 6 months now.
Drink:
A: Cosmopolitan
M: Beer! specifically Bell's Two Hearted Ale and Goose Island IPA. YUM.
E: beeeeeeers. Whiskey sour!
Animal:
A: Mah babies! But mostly my dog
M: I want a little piggy
E: ducks, bitches
Pizza topping:
A: Pineapple or pepperoni, depending on my mood
M: B.A.C.O.N.
E: salami
What is your number one goal for this year?
A: Be a better person (that encompasses many smaller goals, you see)
M: Pick a @*&!$ing career path.
E: to make it better than it's been
3 things you can't live without:
A: food, family, friends
M: beer. food tv. my family.
E: good friends, good music, space to roam
Pets:
A: Arlo, Ella & Sappho. Also Shep, who lives with my parents
M: Not since the parakeets, Diego and Pierre. Teehee
E: none. frowns.
Nicknames:
A: Stee, Austie, Blondie
M: Meg, Megs, Megalo, Megalowski, Spin.
E: Farha, Bear, (sweet) E
Do you get most of your traits from mom or dad?
A: I'm told I'm a good blend.
M: I'm all kinds of Irish, thanks, Pop.
E: Dad for sure
In the last month have you...
Gone to a mall?
A: Actually, no
M: To the outside mall, yes. Inside mall, hell no. Disturbs me....
E: no!!
Eaten a box of Oreos?
A: Nope!
M: I choose not to answer.
E: no!!
Eaten sushi?
A: Do California rolls count?
M: Mmm unagi!!
E: no!!
Been on stage?
A: Yes, to receive an award
M: hells no.
E: no!!
Stolen Anything?
A: No, but not for lack of trying exactly.
M: Yes. Soda. Hahahaha.
E: um.....probably.
How much cash do you have on you?
A: $6
M: $11
E: $27
What did your last text message say?
A: "Good morning, I love you"
M: "haha that's good. who got mercied? and how old exactly would you say that magnavox is???"
E: received: "Who all is coming?" sent: "now we come"
What were you doing at midnight last night?
A: Sleeping
M: Changing the channel to Friends because I was still awake.
E: going to bed
What's a word that you say a lot?
A: I! Don't! Know!
M: Besides the best @&!$ing expletive ever, "ridiculous" comes out of my mouth a lot. It has surely lost its meaning in my conversations.
E: fuuuuuuck; jesus
Can you do a headstand (not using a wall)?
A: Absolutely not
M: Can you?
E: fuck no. I can try though.
Who would you like to see right now?
A: Zack
M: Frankie
E: we all know the answer to that one.
How do you want to die?
A: Quick and painless
M: unknowingly. And painlessly.
E: gloriously in battle
What do you want to be when you grow up?
A: Kind, generous, loving, patient, creative
M: HAPPY.
E: happy
What did you want to be when you grow up?
A: Veterinarian
M: I used to want to be an architect. Then I discovered that would involved like...numbers and stuff. Ugh.
E: ha. so many things....teacher, doctor, writer
What are your worst bad habits?
A: I have a quick temper but shut down toward the person I am angry with
M: Drinking, eating junk food, swearing...all cliches. I always leave the kitchen cabinets opened.
E: nail biting; penchant for being opinionated and snobby
Biggest regret?
A: None!
M: Being afraid of failure in various contexts and situations.
E: man. lots.
Do you have recurring dreams?
A: Sometimes, not lately though.
M: Yes, started when I was like 5. About driving my Dad's old car and not being able to control it.
E: not yet
Have you ever been out of the country? and if yes where?
A: Noooo (hangs head in shame and despair)
M: Just to Argentina. Aw.
E: lots of places in europe. it would be douchey to list. japan soon i hope!
If you could only vacation in one place out of the US for the rest of your life, where would it be?
A: Umm...I don't know because I haven't been anywhere else. Do I get to travel around before making a final decision?
M: Entrenched in my food book obsession, I shall say Italy.
E: french riviera
If you won the lotto, what would be the first thing you would buy?
A: A gorgeous home on the river in MN. Or some clothes.
M: A condo on the lake, bitches!
E: a big fucking vacation for me and my wolf pack
If your house was on fire and you could only save three items, what would they be?
A: My three pets (perfect!)
M: Ma silkies, a drawing of mine, and my computer I suppose.
E: this house? my journals, hard drive, roommates
If there was a hour extra everyday what would you do in that time?
A: Probably sleep.
M: Ideally? Work out. Duh. Realistically, I would surely spend it frivously on relaxing and doing whatever I damn well please.
E: probably drink, let's not kid ourselves If you were given a thousand dollars and only an hour to spend it, where would you go and what would you buy?
A: Target. I would buy clothes and probably crap I don't need but am convinced in that moment I can't live without.
M: I would divvy that money up, $400 on clothes on State Street, $300 on kitchen goodies from Sur La Table, or somewhere comparable, and the remaining $300 would go toward a magnificent spread of special fancy foods to sample and cook with!
E: ikea! get a real bed! If you could be immortal, would you? And if you would, you can chose one person to live eternity with you, who would it be?
A: I think this is a stupid question, to be honest
M: I would not choose to be immortal; scary as it is, there must be an end in site. But if I had to choose someone to be with, it’d be my brother Kevin.
E: oh.....dilemmas. yeah. maybe i would say yes to the immortal part. and i don't know if i've met who i want to spend eternity with just yet....i have time now, being immortal and such, to decide. I would have "forever young" as my ringtone and rub that shit in If you had the chose to be a ghost, a vampire, or an elf which would you be?
A: Ghost! Or...Vampire! Or...I could see reasons why being an Elf would be cool! (Am indecisive).
M: Vampire. I got the skin tone down, yo.
E: vampire, hands down. ghost would be alright too; get my haunt on If you had the choice to see the future, would you?
A: Errr. Maybe if I could selectively see. But then again, where's the fun in that? Life's messy and that's what makes it great.
My attention span is short, folks, but I don't want to leave you hanging just because we been lazy 'bout postin' since Friday. So enjoy this list of Things I Think You Should Know, starring me (!) (and occasionally some other crazy people).
Since Friday I have:
Tried a fabulous new recipe in the company of wonderful friends and lots of laughter.
Toured awesome local architecture and a street art fair. Was sad I could afford neither condo nor work of art.
Saw "The Hangover" which...honestly...go see it. Just go.
Found out that oh mah gawd Old Navy is having the SALE OF MY LIFE. And took advantage.
Drank copious amounts of beer and ate seriously spicy corn on the cob at the Printers Row Lit Festival. Books + Beer + Friends + Corn on the Cob = Happiness. (as if you didn't already know that!)
Comforted a friend with sympathetic words, a little laughter, GOBSOFCHOCOLATE, and a good old fashioned stomach ache.
Turned my air conditioner on and snuggled into my down comforter with my puppy dog. Awww.
Discovered that there exists a feasible if complicated mathematical calculation that says we won't be drowning in educational debt until we qualify for Social Security, which, WHEW. We have been concerned about that for some time.
Helped my sister nail down some important song choices for her upcoming (Really Fast Upcoming, GEEZ) wedding. I would link to the song(s) but I think she might want that to remain confidential, bitchez.
As I'm sure you'll agree, I've had a pretty good (with the exception of a few rough moments) couple of days. Which does nothing to explain why I can't focus enough to write a real post. But I provided all those nice shiny links for you to click, so get busy. Huzzah!
Perhaps a real post tomorrow. If I feel like it. Or you know...not.
Me hears there's something terrible a'brewing over at Fox. Go on, click that link. You know you wanna. It's okay, I'll wait.
*****
OH MY GOD, I KNOW RIGHT?!
Fox actually has a show in the works called I Married a Stranger, where a woman agrees to marry a man chosen for her by friends and family. Before meeting the dude. Ever. That's CRA-ZAY! There are six initial husband-to-be contestants (way too small a pool if you ask me), which the family whittles down to two. Both finalists (if you can call a guy about to marry some lady crazy enough to wed him blind a "finalist", but then maybe he's just as whacked?) walk down the aisle before one man reveals himself as the "winner" ("weiner"?).
This is most definitely an arranged marriage situation (ick). But isn't it also some type of long-term, one-john-specific prostitution ring? Assuming of course that Fox is paying the ladies to marry these strangers. Cause, you know, screwing your husband is an important part of marriage and all.
