I Want to Hold You, but my Hands are Tied


Everyone at my office thinks I'm a kinky freak.

I was invited to a coworker's "Boudoir" shower being thrown by my boss-ladies, both hard women who I would never imagine having enjoyed sex, ever. So I was confused. This was their high class version of a bachelorette party, yes? That I could get down with. Bring on the midget porn and anal beads, the heavy drinking and scant clothing.

But I decided to play it safe. Body chocolate and bondage tape for the bride-to-be. I have to work with these people.

Fast forward to the party. The bride actually found me melting at a bus stop in the Chicago heat, clutching my now wilted and wrinkly giftwrapping job and the lusty contents therein. I was in need of strong drink after 3 bus transfers. She smiled politely and offered me a ride. We arrived at my boss's condo: very nice, clean, fancy. I was sweating balls and totally dishevelled and now completely horrified that I was doomed to hours of hanging out with people I'd already spent hours hanging out with. I added my gift to the pile forming on the table. I checked out the swag slyly. Sheets. Pillows. Cards in pastel envelopes.

Fuck me.

I buried my present amid the appropriate and clearly purchased-from-the-registry gifts. Immediately sought out a martini. Not gonna lie, it crossed my mind to just stuff that present o'mine back in my purse and leave. But a few drinks later I'd forgotten about the impending awkwardness. The hours passed and still no gift opening. Finally, I secured a ride home and rolled out early, throwing congratulations and well-wishes all over the place and certainly being more jovial than anyone there had ever seen me before. (Alcohol?)

The next morning I am of course at the office before everyone else, going about my business, when one of my bosses rolled in. She pointed at me, stonefaced, and said, "Where did you get it?"

"Whaaaa.....?" The horrors of what must have happened after my gift was unveiled begins to flash before my eyes. Wailing. Glasses shattering as they fall from scandalized hands. Children crying inconsolably.

She whispered, "The bondage tape."

Jesus Christ.

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