In search of a duvet cover (don't bother looking for a metaphor)

It's been a rough seven days. Lots of feelings accompanied by lots of tears. What's left is a wake of used tissues and ice cream wrappers, an ephemeral shell of a person, and, surprisingly, a desire to shop like I've never known. What is it about being emotionally assaulted that leaves me itching to spend money?
I no longer possess the clarity to determine if I realistically need the items I'm in search of (or if I need them for anything beyond my own momentary well-being). Am I just looking to distract myself? Most likely. Luckily I can justify a few of my purchases with the knowledge that I've wanted (and maybe needed) these things for months, but never got around to buying them because I was otherwise occupied.

Item #1: Duvet Cover:
I bought a new bed at the beginning of the year, complete with new sheets and a new down-like comforter
. It was white. Then it lived on my bed for six months without protection. Now it is almost white. Almost. So I have spent the better part of the morning (!) looking for a duvet cover online. I'm not asking for much really. A simple, solid, reasonably priced cover available in an assortment of colors from which I can choose. Easy, yes?

Wrong. It seems that amongst all the Pottery Barns and Land's Ends and Targets and Bed, Bath and Bludgeon Me's, you should be able to find this most basic item. Instead, all I can find is an limited selection of hideous and hideously overpriced covers for my once pristine blanket.

Why is this so difficult? My request is as modest as it gets and it's 2009 for crying out loud. Aren't you supposed to Google anything and be able to purchase it in just a few clicks? Apparently, this does not apply to bedding. I suppose it would mean this particular concept of an item would have to be manufactured to begin with.

Maybe I'm being too picky, but it seems that what I want should not be harder to find than a Ruched 400 Thread-Count Floral Embroidered Organic Duvet available in each Cocaine White, Bone(r) White and Kiss My White Ass White. Seriously. I do not want leopard print cerca 1989. I do not want flowers that look like a freaking table cloth you'd find at a yard sale. I do not want stripes, not even monochromatic stripes. Is someone fucking with me?

Once I do manage to find a few companies that sell a PLAIN duvet cover, I'm left to eliminate by price. $150 for a blanket holder?? I mean, come on, it's two flat sheets sewn together for god's sake. Are you kidding me? (Sidenote: If I had a sewing machine and knew how to sew, you wouldn't be suffering through this post at all).

Now I'm left with very limited color choices. Why are solid duvet covers only manufactured in white, chocolate, hunter green, sage, red, navy blue and burgundy? Why? Why does everyone who owns a comforter want a goddamn ugly hunter green duvet cover? I cannot understand this phenomenon. The ability to see colors and connect emotions with colors is one of the greatest things about being a human. Why in the hell do we limit ourselves to effing navy blue and burgundy?!? WHY DO WE FORSAKE THE RAINBOW?!? What is wrong with us?

I finally weeded my way through and found a nicely priced duvet cover available in sage (ugh), navy (GRRR), taupe, hunter green (WHYYYYY), bone, white, and (gasp) RASPBERRY!!

Really?? Raspberry? Not red? Not wine? Raspberry. Yes! This is what I was looking for. An escape from the palette of 1990's Lazy Boy love seats. Triumph!! On to lamps!

Item #2: Soft Light Lamp:
Are you fucking serious? After all that, like I'm going to try and buy a lamp today.

And so help me god if the color of that duvet cover is even CLOSE to burgundy...

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