Klutz /klʌts/ [kluhts]

Anyone who knows me knows I’m prone to injuries. Generally self inflicted, or a result of my own stupidity, I am constantly waking up with scrapes, bruises, splints, bandages. On any given day at any given time, there is something wrong with me. I’m not sure exactly when this ‘condition’ of mine began, but I think I can trace it back to my first couple of years of college when I began indulging in alcoholic beverages, the ones that impair your sense of balance and motor skills, things necessary if you want maintain the “wholeness” of your body.

Over the past few years, I’ve face-planted on my chin (my already scarred chin). I frolicked my way down a sidewalk where I fell on my ankle, severely spraining it and damaging myself for life. I’ve had multiple bruises the size of cantaloupes decorating my thighs and ass. And I deftly chopped off the tip of my finger as a birthday present to myself. My knees are permanently purple from bruises and scars (hardwood floors + vodka + dancing = wipeout). I walk around in jeans with rips on both legs. No point in getting new ones, it’s just bound to happen again.

Musing over this topic (I’m concerned because I’m more than due for an injury, it’s been a few weeks), I decided the best solution for me may be to look into a personal, well, bubble. Ya know, something soft and squishy to surround me and protect me from my environment (and myself). A mobile bubble, I imagine something of a clear beach ball, maybe? As I discussed this with Erin, I started to get really excited about the things I could do with my bubble. It would be endless fun, living in a bubble. Erin and I even came up with a list of fantastic activities I could participate in if I had my own springy sphere.

Things I could do in my bubble:

  • Float on the lake, or walk on water, if you will.
  • Roll down a giant hill.
  • Let Erin to take me to a Flaming Lips concert and have the audience pass me around over their heads.
  • Attach a parachute to the bubble and free fall off a building.
  • Be a toy for whales and dolphins.
  • Clambake the bubble!

But as were happily brainstorming the bubble list, things that I couldn’t do with in the bubble started popping up in the conversation...

Things I could not do in a bubble:

  • Ride an elevator, or any type of public transportation.
  • Lay down flat.
  • Enter a cave, go spelunking.
  • Be in the sun (lest you become a ball of fire, ant-magnifying-glass-style).
  • Approach cacti.
  • Climb the hill I want to roll down.
  • Go swimming.
  • Use a ladder.
  • Play hide and go seek.

It seems that perhaps the cons outweigh the pros of the bubble. But that might only be temporary. Who knows what injury is in store for me next and how imperative it will become for me to seek extra protection if I have any interest in seeing 30.

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