An Ode to Bacon

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I love bacon. Bacon bacon bacon. I love bacon on everything. In everything. Bacon by itself. Bacon with breakfast, swimming in syrup. Bacon in salads, defiling their purity. Bacon on a sandwich, delicately woven into a perfect bacony meaty patty. Bacon is a gift to humans, a salty, fatty delicious gift, and no one should ever refuse such a gift.



Lately, however, I’ve had to grapple with the idea of giving up meat. It’s that whole we’re-destroying-the-world-and-there-is-something-we-can-do-about-it thing. Read any article that’s serious about helping the environment and you’ll find that decreasing the amount of meat you eat has a more positive impact on the earth than recycling plastics and driving hybrids combined. And ya know, it’s good for your body and stuff too.

FROWN. But what about baaaaaaaacon? I’m the girl who on a recent trip to Vegas, where buffets rule, wanted nothing more than to stand in front of a giant catering tray filled with the fatty meaty strips. It’s all I could talk about. I can’t give up bacon. “Just say no” to bacon? HA! The mere idea of it is difficult to resist, and we’re not even talking rejecting it when the smell is wafting ever so enticingly from a nearby griddle. I mean, what chance do I really have?

Still, bacon-obsessed and forced to consider betraying my true love for reasons greater than I, an inner conflict rages over the thought of forsaking this porky delight. I feel guilty that I don’t even want to do it (sorry Mother Earth). And then that guilt mixes with the always present guilt of eating bacon at all (you know that’s why it’s so good). And the result is just one big guilty bacon mess that only makes me want to eat it all the more!

Sigh. What's a girl to do? Distraught that I may have to put an end to my bacon indulgences, I contemplated my problem on the train the other day, where it occurred to me that perhaps I shall bargain with the environment (Monty Hall was my child nickname).

“Earth,” I said, “I’ll (one day) give you beef, chicken, and all other pork products, but in return, you must give me bacon. A compromise, you see. Give up everything but bacon. How does that sound?”

And with that, the universe answered my question.
BACoN,” it said.

BACoN” here, “BACoN” there. It appeared written in light blue graffiti on the wall of two buildings I pass everyday. That’s right. Someone was speaking to me! Tagging walls with pork product pleasantries.
“Yes, Megan, of course you can keep eating bacon!”

So with that little wink from the gods, I begin my journey. Less chicken. Less beef. And enough bacon to keep my ass plump and porky.

4 Responses on "An Ode to Bacon"

  1. Erin says:

    man, and you didn't even get to your most foul and unholy bacon creation: The Weave. The ultimate in bacon sin. Short of that bacon lube i found the other day...

    Jon Grip says:

    I highly recommend adding avocados to BLT's, along with an unreasonable amount of bacon. It's the BLAT, y'all. Dig it.

    Also, sustainable living is anti-American.

    FAITHFUL DISCIPLE, WE HAVE TAKEN NOTICE OF YOUR PIETY AND SHALL REWARD YOUR DEVOTION THUS:

    http://bacolicio.us/http://thatswhatshesaidchicago.blogspot.com/

    THERE, WE HAVE MADE YOU IN OUR OWN IMAGE, NOW YOU MUST GRANT US THIS WISH:

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE AS OUR DISCIPLE IN YOUR HOME. BRING HER TO OUR GREASY GLORY; MAKE HER CONFESS OPENLY THE LOVE FOR US THAT BOTH WE AND SHE AND YOU KNOW. DO THIS AND MORE REWARDS SHALL DRIP DOWN UPON YOU LIKE PARTIALLY COAGULATED GREASE FROM A PAN RECENTLY SANCTIFIED BY OUR PREPARATION.

    AHEM, ER, EXCUSE US.

    WE ARE BETTER VERSED IN SACRAMENTAL TREATS LIKE BACONPOPS THAN WE ARE IN HTML CODE.

    HOWEVER, IT IS OUR WILL THAT YOUR AFOREMENTIONED REWARD SHOULD REACH YOU MORE EASILY THAN BLOOD REACHES THE HEART AFTER INGESTION OF OUR SACRED STRIPS, SO WE HAVE RESOLVED TO REPOST IT THUS:

    http://bacolicio.us/http://thatswhatshesaidchicago.blogspot.com

    DO NOT LET IT BE SAID THAT WE ARE NOT A GENEROUS AND DELICIOUS MASTER!!!

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